Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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