I just pynch a tree in the face
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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