Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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