On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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