Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
