Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
