??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
