Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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