I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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