I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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