Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
