I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
