chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What a dumb baby whore.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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