I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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