Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
