News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
