What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
