At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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