Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
