I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
