He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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