She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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