Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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