I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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