If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
