Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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