he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
