You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
