My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
