Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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