I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
