Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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