lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
