his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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