Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
