now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
