i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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