I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
