I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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