Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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