Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
