new low.... made out with someone while peeing
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize