well I can't set my house on fire every night
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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