Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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