Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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