he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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