I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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