I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
