I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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