Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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