the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
