dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize