my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
