Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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