get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
